Sunday, December 29, 2013

57 Things I Thought While Watching 47 Ronin

Here are 57 things I thought while watching the movie: 47 Ronin

Before the show
1.     A small soda is 32 oz. and costs $5.
2.     They made a movie out of Mr. Peabody?
3.     47 will be a lot of ronin. Or is it ronii? #ThePluralofRoninIs?
4.     So far the ronin outnumber the audience 5:1.
5.     I’m wearing white socks with black pants and shoes. Oh.
6.     Polar bears are now sponsored by Coca-Cola
7.     Why would I attend an opera “live” at a movie theatre? If I want to sleep, I’ll do it in an Opera House, thank you very much.
8.     Score! No kids in the audience.
9.     Why is it the last two couples to walk into this practically empty theatre have to sit down directly behind and next to me? #crowders
10.  The woman next to me cracks her knuckles. A lot.
11.    Similar looking previews: The 300 sequel; Pompeii in 3D; Hercules. The worst of the lot looks like Hercules. A story about a man named Hercules who has nothing in common story-wise with the legendary Hercules. #RIPKevinSorbo
During the Show
12.   Hey, Neo’s in this movie. I hope he’s the chosen one.
13.    So far there’s only one ronin. #ripoff
14.     What’s has horns, antlers, feathers, scales, prehensile whiptail and six eyes? I don’t know but it’s trying to kill Keanu. #gobeast
15.     The beast is dead. I wonder what it was? #IVoteForKirin
16.      Why go to the trouble to have your main character marred by scars, to have the scars on his head beneath his hairline. #ChicksWantToSeeScars
        17. Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa as the main Shogun. #FlawlessCasting
18.     The Shogun’s hat looks like a cooking pot spray-painted gold. #NiceHat
19.     The Shogun rides a cow? #HorseArmorWithHornsEqualsCow
20.     Everyone is being a dick to Keanu. Is that part of the Samurai code? I can get behind that.
21.     Fight! Fight! Fight!
22.     That was over quick
23.     The Shogun is a dick. He has no tolerance for sleepwalkers or love, but he’s okay with witchcraft and other evil shenanigans. #ExecutionTime
24.     CGI ogre fight!
25.     That was over quick. These ronin don’t mess around.
26.     Now there are 3 ronin
27.     Now there are 6 ronin
28.     Now there are 12 ronin
29.     I’m sensing a theme
30.     I got to get me one of those smiling, two-different-eye-colored foxes. #BeatsACat
31.     The witch chick has a significantly sleazy vibe going on. #HeyNow
32.     Octo-hair! I can’t even use a pair of chop sticks correctly with my hands, let alone feed someone else using chopsticks with my dreadlocks.
33.     Waiter, there’s a hair in my sushi.
34.     Keanu was raised by unattractive owl people. #spoiler
35.     Magic swords are awesome.
36.     That was a good sword joke. Well played, overweight ronin.
37.     Fat ronin bathing are funny. #PerTheAudience #Jiggly #IDon’tGetIt
38.     My eyes, my eyes! Full frontal on the tubby ronin getting out of the bathing pond. Thank goodness for the samur-diaper. #ClothingIDon’tKnowTheRealNameOf
39.    The overweight samurai is one of the six ronin who have a personality. #HeIsGoingToDie
40.    It’s a trap!
41.    They killed the overweight ronin. At least Keanu had time for one more fat joke.
42.    It’s Long Duk Dong and he’s helping the ronii. I hope he uses his catch-phrase at the wedding.
43.    Entertainment at samurai weddings blows. #FriggingPuppetShow
44.    Shoot arrows at the bride! #WhyAreTheyTryingToKillKeanusLoveInterest?
45.    Finally, 47 ronin and they are kicking ass! #ThisPartIsPrettyGood
46.    Q: How many ronin does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. 47 ronin show up and kick major ass. The lightbulb is screwed by default.
47.    Magic swords are still cool.
48.    A dragon with dreadlocks? Someone involved with this movie really loves animating hair. Just sayin’.
49.    Dragon’s are powerless in the Matrix. Go Neo!
50.    Hurray! It seems like the other 46 ronin survived with no casualties.
51.     Shit. The main Shogun is back, dispensing justice. “The bushido code was followed,” he says, “Soooooo, you all get to kill yourselves.” #WorstShogunEver #KeanusBadDay
52.    For a movie that ends with 45 or so suicides, the ending wasn’t nearly as depressing as it could have been. #NotAHollywoodEnding #CanILeaveNow?
53.    This is based on a true story. Even the parts with the Kirin, Ogre and Dragon? My reality just got better. #ProbablyChūshingura
After The Show
54.    This movie was filmed on location just about everywhere BUT Japan. The most common name in the credits: Attila
55.    Are Ken Watanabe and Gedde Watanabe related? #ItTurnsOutNo
56.    Award for best Caucasian in a samurai/ronin movie goes to…. Keanu Reeves? Tom Cruise? Richard Chamberlain? #TheJurysStillOut
57.    What, no gag reel?

Mark enjoyed the movie, despite the 57 thoughts above. No ronin were killed in the writing of this blog post. Mark is not a ronin, samurai or even a kirin. Any similarity is completely coincidental.

Happy New Year!

~ Mark


Jon said...

I went to Hobbit 2 instead. Sounds like I made the right choice.

Mark Teats said...

Jon you chose wisely. Enjoyed the Hobbit 2, despite the number of dwarves.

Lisa said...

"Chicks dig scars." You know it!