34 things I thought while watching The Expendables 2

I took a vacation this week. One of the things I did was see the movie, The Expendables 2. Here is my 34-point review. #spoiler alert#

1.  Oooooo. Explosions. 
2. Wait? Did the heroes just flip their jeep? 
3. Are they all crushed? 
4. Nope. Apparently not. 
5. If gratuitous violence has a name, it’s The Expendables 2 
6. Oh Jesus. The blood! The blood! 
7. The Expendables must have a teleporter. Sylvester Stallone was just in the jungle. Blink. Now he’s piloting the plane. 
8. Hey, I think that’s Frank Stallone’s new song. OK. It’s over. 
9. Why don’t they just prop open the safe door? They’re going to crush the new girl. 
10. The new guy on the team might as well be wearing a red ensign’s shirt. 
11. There is something very wrong with Jean-Claude Van Damme’s eyes. 
12. That was their plan? What was plan B? 
13. They’re going to get the new guy killed. 
14. The new guy’s dead. Who saw that coming?
15. The thing in the safe was a blueprint? 
16. Chuck Norris should really stop dying his hair. 
17. Haa! Chuck Norris telling a Chuck Norris joke! 
18.  Women can’t shoot. Ha! (Sorry to laugh, but this is what the movie wants me to believe). Except for hot Asian chicks. They can shoot. They can also beat someone senseless with a tree branch. Although, why is she beating someone with a tree branch when clearly she has a gun or two? 
19. And the award for best fight scene with a thurible goes to: Jason Statham.
20. My drunken, one word summary of The Expendables 2: Thurible 
(Sounds like “terrible” slurred. Get it? Come on, work with me here.) 
21. Ravens on skulls are cool. Fountain pens with skulls are cool. Cycles with skulls are cool. What about a toilet with skulls? A raccoon skin cap with a skull embroidered on it? A skull drawn on a skull upon a skull? 
22. I should get a skull tattoo. 
23. Arnold!!! 
24. But I wanted the village women to be piloting the crazy drilling machine to rescue their men. They can’t shoot; maybe they’d be good at heavy machinery? 
25. This is good caramel corn. 
26. Why is it spelled “caramel” and not carmel? 
27. A Smart car chase scene in the airport. Yes! Brilliant. 
28. Wait. They’re having a shootout in a crowded airport? What about all the innocent bystanders?
29. Machine gunfire = cool. What? Did they just shoot a coffee barista? Did they just shoot a newspaper vendor? A baby? Chuck Norris? They prob’ly all had it coming. 
30. Why did they swap out Jet Li for Nan Yu (aka the hot Asian chick) early in the film? Is Jet Li not hot enough? Is his acting too good? 
31. “Do you know how to carve a turkey?” WTF does that line mean? 
32. Why are all the surviving cast members reciting the Vachel Lindsay poem, The Congo? 
33. Am I the only person in the audience who knows this poem? 
34. What no gag reel?